A Fine Line

As we all go forward with more of a thirst for financial reassurance, we see the importance of teaching our children the value of a dollar as well as the risk and importance of stoking the furnace here, because it keeps a fire burning everywhere else. Still, in regards to the bailout/rescue, the knee jerk reaction on ubiquitous Main Street was to punish the rich and have a people’s uprising. Then 700 points of reality dropped on our kitchen tables right between the gas bill and the new car brochures. I wonder if people are talking to kids about this.

I think that in Shorewood, if we want to talk with our students about the whole economic mess we can take advantage of what I see as a wonderfully serendipitous art installation on the lower playground of Lake Bluff School. While it may just look like a huge pile of dirt, it is the powerful half of an artistic, organic art installation. It and the hole it came from should be shipped up to Kohler Art Center and be put on display next to the Rhinestone Cowboy's house.

Let’s say we change the name of “Capitol Drive” to “Ball Street” at least in front of the gentrifiable high school. We must understand that if they do well, we all do well. They get additions, we get free dirt. That’s how things work. We ought to be  excited about the truck dumps of dirt because they make our lives better. With it, we can fill the dips and holes that have made America’s game a bit like little league rice-paddy-ball after a downpour, and you have to appreciate the metaphorical value of the orange plastic fence corralling the dirt, thwarting any plans it may have to sneak back to the whole it once filled just a few blocks away.

I think we all learned a little lesson this past couple weeks. We don’t know much about the food chain that is our economy. We need to do better with our kids at home and in our classrooms. So teachers and parents, take your kids over and show them the hole where the new and costly stadium will be. Stop at the site and thank the ground that has been broken for the good of our village and its taxpayers. Imagine how home values will soar when people get a look of that! Talk about investment, gains and losses. Then go back to the fence and stand at attention as you consider all the things we can use leftover dirt for. Revel in the power of money. Teach its value, talk about priorities, necessities, need vs. want, show vs. substance and how to say the word no once in awhile. Then tell them that if they want to play on the dirt, they will have to pay for it.

I have not given high school debate team coaches enough credit. Who knew how much was involved in a debate that has nothing to do with the actual topic? I’ve underestimated the potential of little kids who can convince me of anything; and to think I’ve accused them of being liars with their pants on fire. I should have given more time to observing what was good about their pitches, regardless of what they said. I learned this week, that when all else is sort of equal, other things take precedence when evaluating the success or demise of participants.

First of all kids, for the love of God, wear something that shows devotion to your school. A lapel pin, t-shirt, band uniform, or at least school colors somewhere, although avoid the urge to paint them in halves, across your chests or faces Debates are not Packer games, and girls especially, your reputations are on the line. Oh, and don’t wear high contrast stripes because the vertigo one can feel when seeing them on television detracts from the point you are hoping to make. Stoic, subtle, funereal=perceived acumen.

Debate team members probably know this, but little kids can reap the benefits of these lessons, too. When you grow enough to stand behind a lectern, lean in when you are making your case. Make it look as though the point you are making right at that moment is one you are willing to fall on your microphone-sword for, it is just that important.

Take everyone in with your eyes. Swivel-head your expressions so that all can see the splendor that is you, kind of like Elvis used to do. That leaves the impression you are singing to each person, message passed through the genuine, emotional connection between your eyes and theirs. Look at your opponent when you take him on so the pundits, or school newspaper reporters see that you aren’t afraid to look someone in the eye before you kick him in the knee. Perfect choreography and clever assemblage of words and implication. If you can’t look your opponent in the eye, look only at the moderator, or straight ahead at the audience in their underwear, but we warned that it only makes you look grumpy, mean-spirited and as though you are trying to keep from ripping your opponent’s heart out and eating it.

On the bright side…Don’t worry about factual accuracy. By the time people check out all the questionable statements, it will be over and forgotten; so say what you want and if it is a lie, repeat it over and over and over again. Interrupt the flow of words from across the stage with utterances of, “That’s not true” or “That’s not what I said. “ Smirk, pretend you are writing, or look confused at what the other debater is saying and don’t agree with any part of anything your opponent says. Argue every point, even if you have to bring into question your opponent’s sincerity after he says he is happy to be there, or who arrived at the venue first in anticipation of this possibly campaign ending collision of preparations. Express your exasperation loudly and often, except don’t sigh or check your watch while you’re doing it. Eventually the listeners will surrender to your reality, especially if you have almost two years to create it.

When the debate has ended, sprint around the podium to be the first to extend your gracious hand for all to see. Cuff the fingers of the other around his forearm as you shake into him the fear, and resurrect the hidden belief that he really is as inadequate as his parents and teachers always told him he was. Curtain drops. Mission accomplished.

Congratulations.

Hey Mr. Paulson! I hear you are open to ideas as to how to address this sticky wicket that is the world economy. Here’s how we do it in our school districts. Feel free to borrow any of these as an answer to the question, “Where the #+!# are we going to get more money from?”

Schools generally have to start at fundraising. This creates a one-for-all mentality that can sometimes raise thousands of dollars. New playgrounds have been funded by the non-stop dedication of residents and organizers. This kind of effort is massive and calls for buy-in by a large block of the school and community. So, Mr. Paulson, you could make a big thermometer and stick in on Wall St. Try to get the populace to donate money for a bailout and use a red marker to color in the rising red line of goal achievement. What would entice us, though? Schools have found that candy bars have always been good sellers, but be sure to get healthy ones without nuts if you really want to move them. You can market them as energy bars. Stockbrokers and CEOs can go door to door with their blackberries to take orders. Yeah, we know. It’s hard work.

Well okay, try this. Start carving off the turkey. Cuts have to be made, we get that one too. Start with the non-people; start with things like paper, hardware, chairs, big display boards and bells. The next piece to be plated will have to be power usage. Get those coffee pots out of there, and keep the doors closed or open all the time depending on the ever-changing New York weather. No more AC either. It has really paid off in the elementary schools. Sure, it gets hot but little kids hardly even notice unless they have PE or recess outside in the bright sun on a heat grabbing blacktop playground. It’s only for six or seven hours. Also, hot buildings increase the number of early retirement requests by women over 50. Get rid of them and hire new ones at half the cost. Now that’s economics. You can also stretch the people you have by making them work two jobs instead of one, in the same amount of time they are used to working. Have some of the big mucky-mucks serve in two different places. They can work half the day at Goldman Sachs and half the day at AIG, for example. They can have little offices in each, but no refrigerator, Mr. Coffee or fans. That cuts out a whole salary! If you don’t think it’s possible, ask a public school music or art teacher. You could probably even talk someone into taking on three places. Spend every other day in each building. While it may be seen as token leadership, at least you can say it’s there.

The third and most controversial cut will have to be people. This is done by attrition, and over time. Someone retires or quits and no one is hired for replacement. Someone ends up doing two jobs instead of their already impossible one, but times are tough so we do what we have to do. Teach kindergarten music in the morning and social anthropology in the afternoon. Likewise, you could have employees work the stock market in the morning and oh…say custodian in the afternoon. You’ll be whacking away at that turkey carcass like a Benihana table chef! Along with the employee cuts, however, go the programs they were in charge of. Wow, it sucks to be us. However, things will improve, or as our standards lower, it will at least seem like they did.

Can I have a Warren Buffett bailout with a side of tax cuts, please?

What kids don’t need.

Competition that allows parents to get involved: These include science fairs, best costume contests, poster contests and anything else kids do in a home where winning becomes the goal at the expense of the experience. Halloween is a huge day for kids, but turning it into a competition changes the focus and provides another opportunity for some kids to feel uncomfortable, some victorius and many left out of the experience. Kids don’t need any help loving Halloween and let's face it...nobody likes science fairs except the kids with the cool experiments that involve explosions, something gross or candy.

Contests: If there is a contest, there is a parent who will do just about anything to win it. It becomes every contest they never won or yet another in a long string of victories. This can involve milk caps, labels, box tops and other things corporations have suckered us all into in attempts to increase their profits. These items become desired, or we adjust our shopping habits to help our children “win”. This also goes for the sales of things. October brings a slew of merchandise children are asked to sell, create, or push in order to raise money for the school, a trip, or who knows what else. In every employee lunch room you will find open order forms with a pen laying across it, trying to guilt people into buying stuff they would never buy otherwise (I’m talking to you, scented candles). How do you tell a fellow worker that you won’t buy a candy bar to help her child get to Italy to be in a concert, even when you are working two jobs to be able to afford a few more frozen pizzas?

I remember my father, who was a doctor, taking my Girl Scout cookie sheet to the hospital, and came back with a couple hundred dollars worth of orders. He signed up for 60 himself. I knew it was he who deserved the patch for most cookies sold to immediate family. I think we cold just be honest and make these contests for parents.

External incentives: Children don’t need awards to do good works. Children can get extremely excited about doing something good for others. They like to keep track of how many cans they bring in for a food drive, but have no idea who brought what. Children have big hearts and don’t yet realize that people think they should get some kind of reward for everything they do. Adults screw everything up when they take what could be a perfectly altruistic, goal oriented event and cheapen it by turning it into another contest. Kids aren’t the ones who need them. “But,” you will say, “they LOVE contests!” That’s because we have them. Kids also love accomplishing a goal or doing something just for fun. Children don’t need stickers on math papers, stars, points, or prizes. They just want to learn stuff and think of themselves as a smart kid. You might say, “But kids love to get little rewards!” That’s because we give them.

We have made them important.

There are schools that give parents the option of forgoing the fundraisers and pleas for contributions by just writing a check for some block amount. If not that, then really go for it. Send out emails every few days asking for donations of even 5 bucks. Mid-year start asking for $25. Do this for the whole year. It has worked pretty well for politicians. I would bet after a year of this, parents would gladly do the block check thing.

While some fantastic and important things have been done through fundraisers (many of which I have benefited from), I can’t help but think about the big city school I left many years ago. It didn’t even bother having fundraisers. Few people had funds. The playground there was a slab of blacktop with hints of bases painted on. Fences were high and every staff member on duty had a walky-talky in case a fight broke out. I left when we started doing safety drills to get kids into the school quickly in the event that gunfire broke out in the neighborhood. I think about that place every October when the fund raising starts. Maybe sometime, schools will have fundraisers for other schools. That would be a great service project for anyone fortunate enough to be looking for one. The reward would be intangible and unforgettable.

I’m trying to figure out how qualified a teacher would seem to be for a vice-presidential run after retirement. It might be kind of awesome. Cheney set the grumpiness bar a bit high, but we have our days when nothing goes our way. We think we’ve settled a fight between the bully and the hothead but just when the dust around the line in the sand settles, there they go again. It can make a person really angry. We do have the “So?” thing down, though. That has been our answer for years to statements like, “I don’t want to write in my journal.” or “It’s too cold to go outside for recess.” We definitely have that one tight. What teacher hasn’t thought something was a good idea, put in a requisition slip for funding or wrote a seven page grant request, got rejected but still got all the money?

Let’s see, what else. Oh, there’s the executive decision thing. I actually counted how many decisions I make every day and it came to about 30 an hour which would be 210 a day and after 35 years that equals 7,350. Some of these made the difference between empty bladder and wet, smelly denial-pants. You have to know how to read people if you’re a teacher. Kids will lie through their teeth. Very good for those long, drawn out negotiations which, from the start, you know you will win anyway.

Leadership. I figure that most teachers of retirement age have governed a population greater than that of Alaska, albeit stretched out over a longer period of time. Clearly to us, 20 months of Pied Pipering a state of 9000 people ages 0-80 and living 350 months with 30 six year olds in close physical proximity from early morning through the afternoon just simply can’t compare. It’s like comparing bee-bee guns to high powered AK47s. The teachers get this one, hands down.

International experience. Teachers come into contact with actual people from many countries of the world. In one school year you may come to know Pakistanis, Central and South Americans, Thai, African, Japanese, Iraqis, Russians, Texans, Aussies, Brits and Mexicans every day. We actually learn about their cultures and beliefs and most teachers are very well traveled, credit or no credit.

Grit. The teaching profession eats nice teachers up and spits them out. Those who make it through even five years are tough as nails and ready to shoot a moose at any moment with very little prompting. They would even eat it raw, that's how tough we are. Moosimi with wasabi. Yum. Many of us have really cool glasses too, and 3 ½ inch red high heels, although it’s hard to walk across playground woodchips in them.

So teachers, thanks to this election cycle you have another option after you retire other than taking gourmet cooking classes or subbing in a system you worked hard to retire from. You don’t have to travel with a bunch of old ladies to Alaska to view it from a train or hook up with some RV owner who thinks it a good idea to travel cross-country for the rest of his life. Go get some yard signs, canvas, phone bank and get involved. When an opening for village president comes along, jump on it. You’ll have a whole year or two to prepare for your nomination.

What a country.

School parent orientations are starting. I remember going to those; listening to the teacher talk about curriculum and clerical issues. They had copies of the textbooks out for us to look through, sign up sheets to get people to bring napkins and cups for parties, and talked to us about having a place for children to do their homework at home. That was all fine. The orientation session that made the most impact, however, was an elementary teacher who took her place at the front of the room and started out by telling us how great our kids were. She went on to talk about all the things she understood. She knew that some parents had young children, blended families, messy divorces, stressful jobs and gave everyone a little slack for the underperformance we all feared as school aged kids’ parents. She said she’d gone through everything in her lifetime, and was very convincing. We all came to know that she was someone who had feelings.

She talked of how much fun she had with this group of children and how smart they all were. She made it clear that expectations were high, but exceptions would be granted unconditionally when times were tough. She treated us like adults who were trying our best to do the right thing.

When you go to orientation see if you get a sense of what kind of person that teacher is. Is the person a bundle of nerves? Disorganized? Serious? Stoic? That doesn’t mean a darn thing on its face. Give him or her chance to unfold. Speaking in front of a group of parents is much harder than leading a class in a chorus of Goober Peas. Listen for them to mention how they feel about your children, what they have planned for them and how much they are allowed to take ownership of the classroom they will spend most of their time in for an entire year. How does that teacher build a classroom community so that they care for one another and keep competition on the playground? Does that teacher require students to solve problems with one another with one another? If there is a lot of point keeping, it’s a red flag. It could be a sign that this teacher doesn’t trust that his or her teaching will draw out the natural willingness of children to work and learn. The more students are manipulated by externals, the less we get to know who they really are. Do they have a chance to goof up? To make bad decisions? If not, they are being deprived of the lasting impression a bad decision leaves.

If your child’s teacher goes on and on about curriculum and rules, you may want to think about asking that teacher what his or her teaching philosophy is, what his or her feelings are about children and why they work with that particular age level. A teacher who finds kids remarkable human beings in the primes of their lives will create a classroom where children can thrive, grow, depend on one another and push themselves to understand more. There will be the occasional snapping of rubber bands on each other’s backsides, but all in all the community created will be one that is real.

P.S. When you go, don’t ask the teacher how your child is doing. We are in a hurry at the end of orientation and want to get home after what turns out to be an 11 hour day. “Fine.” is about all we’ll be able to muster.

About a year ago I wrote a piece about what architects should consider when planning an elementary school. They need to remember that most elementary teachers are female and not quite as tall as most windows and accessories require. I joked about having to push a chair up to the collar of counters, climb on our knees to pry open the windows, that is if they aren’t locked. The guys who came to change the screens couldn’t pull them down from the top, either. I understood. To open those, you have to take a long pole with a hook and insert it into a loop about 15’ up in the air. Then you’re supposed to pull. It looks like a bad Cirque du Soleil act if they are stuck. Your feet come off the ground and you pull down with all your might. When you’re exhausted, you just pull and dangle while you catch your breath. All this, on a 45° angle.

Well, it happened. My colleague across the hall slipped off the top of the counter and broke her wrist in so many pieces she has to have surgery. It is in her old bones’ memory I write this rant. There are few viable solutions to this problem, but anyone in the newly added part of the building has it. I offer these suggestions:

After this gets done, how about lowering the bulletin boards, postings, white boards and chalkboards so the kids can actually reach them, and then let’s get those TV’s off the ceiling so students don’t have to lie on the floor to see them?

I have to put on my helmet, wrist and knee pads now. I’m about to head over to school.

Nothing brings a group together like shouting about how bad another group is. You see it in politics; maybe you’ll start seeing it more often at school. We can start subtly, when we ask first graders, “Didn’t they teach you how to do that in kindergarten?” or “Who was your teacher last year?” Instant bonding. The lacking to the substantial. Belittling previous teachers makes kids think you’re really smart and that they’re lucky to have you, the brightest, best teacher in the whole school. The school that is so much better than that other school could ever be. In a village that is so much better than our village-friend to the north is.

Ironic that we have our first character education assembly this week. Teachers urge children to live a life of good character, to be caring, fair, compassionate, and respectful as we also address how elections work in the United States. We’ve taken the Disney World approach to teaching social studies telling kids that office holders have important jobs to help citizens stay safe and live the best lives they can. That politicians are special helpers in our country and they have those jobs because they have ideas that most people think are good, and then they got the most votes. What a crock.

Character Education during a presidential campaign is probably not a great idea. In the interest of honesty, maybe we could, every four years, teach kids how to be cut-throat, scheming, chess players who are great wordsmiths and even better word warriors. If we follow the lead of our leaders, dirty politics is the only thing that works. I guess if we’re dumb enough to believe what we’re told just because we’re told it, we deserve the presidents we get. Give me a student who annoys me by asking me why over a student who does whatever he or she is told just because I say so. Respect your elders doesn’t really work and probably never has. We hear about so many adult bottom feeders. Respect your elders if they deserve respect is closer, but then one has to do some investigation around that word deserve.

I’m frustrated that we are teaching children about how presidents are elected while at the same time they are seeing on plasma screens at home, how presidents are really elected. It will look to them as though it is through a lot of screaming, booing, clapping on the beat and bad dancing on piling confetti that moves people to attack one, with a vote for another. I’m pretty sure if we held a mock political campaign in our classroom, plenty of phone calls would be made to the office complaining about our teaching methods. I’ll continue the Disney version where everyone is nice, and be very, very glad that I teach little kids.

I’ve been away for a few days. Got caught up googling “Governors of Alaska.“ It’s been a nice diversion in this humid summer heat. Many of us have already been over at the school buildings setting up our classes. It’s very rewarding as you know volunteer work always is. There are a few things we discovered while we were there, that you may want to know about. It might be a good idea for you to send a fly swatter to school with your child for the first couple weeks. The wasp chat rooms have been full. Stories have been passed from wasp to wasp reliving doorway escapades of days gone by. They’re after the sweet stuff, or the packages it came in and they can’t wait. The ones assigned to the windows will find easy entry in lots of places where screens have been damaged, removed and not replaced. Our choice on hot days is stifling heat or distracting, nasty wasps. You can't smack heat, so send flyswatters. If you are are uncomfortable with insect road kill, teach your children how to trap. You will be responsible for  transporting them to the other school down the street and setting them free in the stairwells.

You will want to send a spray bottle or personal fan along with your child. As you may know, there is no air conditioning in the elementary school classrooms. On days of high humidity and temperatures of eighty-five or ninety, nausea and light headedness may occur. In the past we have filled trays with water for kids to put their feet in, purchased popsicles for them or gone out for water balloon play, but that kind of cool only lasts a short time so consider getting a spray bottle of water for cooling purposes.

Teach your kids fan protocol. We only have one per room, so air hogging will not be tolerated. Kids cannot sit right in front of the fan, blocking the air to everyone else. Fingers can be brought close to the fan blades, although before we dismiss, we’ll let each kid sing into the fan while it’s on, so they can laugh at their exaggerated vibratos, hands behind backs of course.

No spaghetti straps, hemlines no shorter than where your fingers touch your leg with hands to sides and no unacceptable-to-most-parents graphic art or text on t-shirts. Leave home the "My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad" and"Teachers Suck" t-shirts. "I'm With Stupid" probably shouldn't be worn either. This goes for the teachers too.

Dear John McCain and Barack Obama campaign people. Knock it off. I think I can speak for many of us when I say this. We’re sick of the cute gottcha ads, the one upping, the accusations and dredging up of pasts. If you don’t have better ideas of messages to get out besides one of you is an elite celebrity and another is an old man in expensive shoes here are some ideas.

How about taking the money you’re planning to spend on the next three TV commercials and give it to some school principals who could make great use of it? Staff members would be hired or hired back; full time nurses and psychological services could be purchased. Schools could have their libraries open all the time, maintained by trained school librarians instead of parent volunteers. Your commercial text could simply say: “Rather than run a campaign ad at this time, the money for its creation has been donated to the Shorewood School District for purchase of full time medical staff.” Then maybe show a picture of the school and a smiling child with a Band-Aid across her forehead and a tooth necklace on. The candidate’s name would come onto the screen and then go to a fade.

Instead of running your next juvenile attack ads, why not run this text across the screen? “The cost for creation of an ad for this spot has been used to purchase winter clothing for children in schools who have none.” Kids will have boots to wear through the snow instead of tennis shoes, mittens to put on instead of pulling sweater sleeves over freezing knuckles and scarves to wrap around open necklines of used clothes that will have to last the rest of the school year. Winter is coming and these are not exaggerated examples. People ought to know that every day teachers are providing their students clothing, shoes, boots, supplies, book fair money and field trip fees. I know people will say, well that’s the parents’ job, but you tell that to the six year old standing out at recess in fifteen degree weather covered only with a nylon wind breaker and a sweatshirt.

My colleagues could supply many more worthwhile ideas, so if politicians want to make a change, let‘s see it. If someone wants to defend our country, let’s not forget that our country is made up of its people, many of whom could use the benefits of campaign funding better spent. Putting their money where their mouths are would reap something tangible, definable. I wish someone had the guts to really do this thing differently. Instead of all these dollars going into manipulation, fear and doubt creation, they would give some real meaning to the HOPE and CHANGE both candidates claim they represent.

School starts soon. If you are new to this, allow me to give you some real help. If you’ve been through it all before read it anyway and rate yourself on how well you did with your child’s teacher. Knowing these facts will be helpful and following the advice may well make the difference between early childhood teachers loving you and…well, not loving you. Kindergarten and first grade parents need to know that teachers don’t want you crying your eyes out in the doorway waving goodbye for half an hour on the first day of school. You need to know that your kids will cry as long as you will and not more than 30 seconds longer. I happen to know for a fact that no matter how much blubbering and wailing goes on before you leave, your child is completely fine the minute you’re out of sight. Many a parent has been made a fool of without even knowing it. Oh, and don’t show up early at the end of the day and hang around outside the door either. Teachers know you’re listening in to see if they’re as nice now, as they seemed to be in the morning.

In August, your focus must be on supply accumulation. When you know what to get, get it all. Teachers love it when kids come in on the first day with everything. It means your child won’t have to cry, borrow, pout, withdraw or refuse later on in the week when the real work begins all because they don't have their own pencils yet. Want to score more points with your child’s teacher? Label. You can never overdo the labeling. Label the lunch bag, the pencil case, each crayon, every pencil, shoe, scissor, marker, paint box, eraser, notebook and folder. Show up with a nametag on that says, "Hello. I'm June, Jennifer's mother." (Jennifer, of course will have "Jennifer" embroidered on the front of her T-shirt.)You can’t imagine how territorial kids are and how many problems erupt over unlabeled supplies, desire and raw impulse. When in doubt, label. Love your child. Buy a Sharpie.

When sending food with your child there are things you should know. A snack shouldn’t be a meal, and can‘t be complicated. You could send sliced pears, pickles and fruit cocktail in a black flight box and there would be juice all over everything by 11AM. There is just no time for liquid matter and kids think it’s funny when stuff squirts all over the place. Teachers, not so much. They don’t want you to send juice in those boxes or bags you have to jam the skinny little straws into, either. Teachers want you to know that many of your kids can’t peel. They can’t jam down an apple as big as their face during the five or ten minutes of snack time, especially with only three teeth. They can’t eat applesauce without spoons or open single serving fruit containers, soda cans and Tupperware. If it can spill, it will. When you think food, think dry. Here’s a test. If you, wearing an expensive white silk suit, would be willing to eat the food you send with your child, if it doesn’t change its shape when put in a different container, and if an arthritic can open it, you’ve sent developmentally appropriate food. Unless the teachers provide the snacks, you’ll have to accept the fact that every single day for the next three or four years of your life, you will be obligated to prepare a non-liquid, small sized, pre-sliced, possibly nut free, healthy, dry snack that your child will eat and not be tired of after about thirty-seven days. Good luck with that.

I don’t know what to make of the Fonzie structure in downtown Milwaukee. We are now honoring fictitious characters from sit coms? There aren‘t enough real heroes to worship? How pitiful is that. Surely we can find modern day real heroes to idolize. Maybe Clay Aiken or the winner of Top Chef? They wouldn’t have to be made of something as durable as bronze, we could make them out of wood or paper mache so when The Enquirer uncovers that they are actually scoundrels, their icons can be ripped out of the ground and destroyed.

Let’s just say we go with this make believe idol stuff. Can’t you just imagine bronze book figures scattered throughout Shorewood? It would be kind of fun; reminders of the good times. Maybe The Little Engine That Could would inspire people trying to find a place to park on Oakland Avenue, or Goldilocks in the porridge section of Pic and Save might encourage good breakfast habits. Clifford the Big Red Dog might look nice with raised leg outside the Vet’s office, Curious George looking down from the roof while the guy in the yellow hat is stuck and waving his arms on the island where Capitol and Oakland cross. Naughty little Junie B. Jones could be made to lie in the gutter of a loading zone, saving a place for bronze Harry Potter who stopped off at Schwartz to look in the potion chapter of the latest book in a series called How to Make a Fortune Off Little Kids and Getting Their Parents to Thank You For It. Everywhere we go we will see them, a bronze population giving us security in knowing they’ll never change and we shall be forever young. Think about the possibilities. Little Red Riding Hood in the reception area of the assisted living building going up where the Riverbrook once was, and a nice big wolf in one of the beds down the hall.

The Boomers might find amusement in the resurrected characters of oldie but goodie, TV shows. They would enjoy finding Lucy Ricardo at the Brit, dressed like a man, trying to speak with an English accent so Ricky, who is at one of the tables doesn’t realize she’s there for Karaoke night because she has to win money to replace a conga drum she accidentally dropped out of the apartment window. Ethel and Fred would be outside, listening through the window with a glass swearing they won’t get involved.

Shorewood High School could introduce their campus with a bronze Wally, Eddie Haskell, Lumpy and the Beaver. They would be sitting around a table-clothed dinner table with a wise suit-wearing Ward and domestic pearl-necklaced June, constant reminders of what a real family looks like. Okay, I know. This is a little bit out there and probably wouldn’t work out as cool as it looks in my head.

Know what I mean, Milwaukee?

Since the presidential candidates have to go through some sort of prime time religious vetting process in order to head a state legally bound to separate itself from religion, I started to wonder about this as a premise for all American hiring processes. Imagine being on a selection committee in search of a new kindergarten teacher. You have come up with two people quite qualified for the job, so you hand it over to the nun who will be running the forum over at the Shorewood Library. During that time, she will focus her questions on stewardship, leadership, worldview and America’s role in the world. Let’s see, how would that go?

“So, Miss Johnson, what have you done to improve the lives of people in your community under the age of six?” That would be a toughie. About all I’ve done for kids in my neighborhood is not yell at them if they run across my lawn. Oh, one night at about 11:00 I let some teenagers know that if they kept up the loud laughing and screaming someone would call the police. They didn’t need to know that the “someone” would be me.

“I see here that you were a Brownie Troop leader. Very good. Very good, indeed. How do you think your experience as a Brownie leader will help you when the bus shows up at school for a field trip you forgot to cancel? How does this kind of leadership help the school secretary who set the trip up and who is in charge of all the money you never gave her? What kind of food can you leave on her desk to make her understand how truly sorry you are?”

“Mr. Taylor, you always tell your class to learn as much as they can about the world, that there is a great big world awaiting them, but the music teacher is teaching them the song, “It’s a Small World“. How would you handle that hypocrisy? What third song could you teach them, so they understand that it doesn’t matter how big the world is or isn’t, what matters is that all people understand America is the best country in it. “

“Of course you are a proud American, sir. When you travel, how do you present yourself to others? Would you say you were the camera wearing, map reading, backpack lugging, loud speaking version of an American, or would you say you represented the quiet, thoughtful, still water running deep kind of American who speaks or hears no evil, who walks everywhere because they can’t figure the money out, and who keeps ordering the same food all the time because it’s the only one you know? What plan do you have to convince the rest of the world they should be like us, or at least put written stuff in English?”

The nun finishes writing her notes, closes the notebook, thanks the interviewees and looks at the rest of us. “Remember, tomorrow the candidates for the 3^rd grade spot will be interviewed by Rabbi Bernstein.

Can I hear a big Amen?

Okay parents; it’s time to think about what is soon to be another school year. There are things you need to do besides get supplies. You know you have to get supplies, right? Go to the district website, some supply lists are linked, as well as the calendar for the school year and other interesting information. If you’re new to Shorewood schools, keep the calendar that comes home on the first day. On it you will find everything you need to know about early dismissals, late starts, conferences, days off, menus, and you can connect to many teacher’s classroom sites, as well.

At home, make sure there is a place for your child to read, study and write uninterrupted. Make clear to them it is a workplace and make it look like one. Very young children will need an alphabet, number line, and a place to write new words or spelling words. This can be as easy as 13 papers stapled together with a letter on the top of each. Children can add words and it will become a handy pre-dictionary, without the alphabetical entries, pronunciation guide, syllabication, definition or past and plural forms. What’s in it for you? It will cut in half the number of times you have to hear, “How do you spell…? “ Have a place for your child to put a backpack that should be weighted with notebooks, assignments, and other communications from school. Please, teach your child how to put papers into pocket folders. They have no clue. This will make it more likely you’ll see the homework due the next day, field trip slips, and returned and graded assignments. Please don’t let them get away with jamming papers down to the depths of the pack. So many times people will insist we teachers didn't send something home or give an assignment to their child. Then two weeks later they find it when they’re cleaning up the homework packets and paper wads cushioning the fall of the empty, like new folders. Put an analog clock nearby and tell child that for the next 20 minutes it's worktime, even if they say the teacher didn’t give any homework.

We know that kids have done their homework over breakfast, in the car on the way to school and even outside on the playground before school. It happens, but it should be the exception and not the rule. Please set up a time of day that will be for reading and homework, and it can’t be right before bed. That really never works. Probably the biggest challenge kids have had with getting homework finished and handed in is lack of time. They go to lessons, or play on a sports team, or they have to go watch a sibling take lessons or be on a sports team. If there is any way to cut down the number of evenings little kids, especially, have to be gone the better it will be. Some children are so busy doing, the time for thinking about school assignments suffers. We get work back that clearly no one has looked at. You don’t have to give your child answers, but if something is wrong they need to be made aware of it. Children have actually handed in papers with their own names spelled wrong, which I guess is better than the pile of no-names given by children then referred to as “Betty”.

When your child is finished with work, make him or her put it in the folder, then folder in the backpack and pack leaned up against the door you leave through in the morning. It’s hard to forget something you fall over.

Well, Aaron Rodgers played his first game as starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. He’s following a legend. That has to suck. It’s hard to be the one coming after someone who was something more than you are whether it’s smarter, wittier, faster, stronger, prettier, and a long list of er words you may have of your own. I’m sure when Aaron gets his first paycheck, the pressure will seem a little more worth it. When you’re a kid following a sibling, it can either be like following Favre or following the family dufus, which is a whole lot easier.

Sometimes children are put in the weird position of being compared to one or the other parent, back in the day. It’s funny how many conferences come around to parents going on about how they learned and responded to school. One year a dad was taking blame for his child having trouble reading. This kid worked hard, but reading was a struggle. The parent told me in a don’t worry about it kind of way that he was just like that in school and that Roland was probably following in his footsteps. At this point, the mom leaned over and reminded dad that this conference was about their adopted son, Roland, and not him. There are also parents who make decisions for their children based on shoulder chips they’ve kept from their own childhoods. Usually this happens when a parent thinks their child gifted, and then remembers feeling bored in school because the teacher didn‘t realize what a genius he was. So in a tactical move against possible doldrums, parents push the teachers to push their children. This seldom works, incidentally. We are culminations of our own experiences.

It’s great when you get a sibling in your class, you already know the parents and they have a clear understanding that this child is not the other. This one may be the complete opposite, a composite of similarities and differences appreciated by the parents who just step back and watch life unfold.

So Aaron, although we love Brett and may accidentally call you Brett every now and then, be patient with us. We’re trying to see you as an individual just starting your career of a lifetime. When you drop a ball, we may inquire about what the matter with you is; when you get sacked, we may say something about our grandmothers being able to get rid of a ball faster than you, but when a pass is intercepted, we’ll go away shaking our heads saying, "Geez...he’s just like Brett.”

You cannot start early enough to make a child into an Olympian. Just to let you know, we teachers are doing what we can. Although it is done in combination with other school activity and studies, we have built in some gentle, but continuous cross and endurance training.

Swim teams can rest assured that our children are used to being in water. They begin very harmlessly, just learning how to drink hunched over a water fountain with feet dangling six inches over the floor. This builds strong-arm muscles and gets them used to having their faces covered in water. We then add another layer, which is cleverly disguised as hand washing. This gets them ready for holding their arms out in front of them while diving. When they are able to sing the entire A-B-C song while soaping and rinsing, they move to the next level. Since children in first and second grade don’t always take to being squirted in the face by a super soaker, training becomes more individualized and integrated into out of school activities. It cuts down lawsuits, as well. Until they can take having a water balloon burst in their hands and onto their clothes without crying, no such training should be initiated.

Some students show specific talent for diving. You can see them in the classroom reaching down through piles of trash, looking for something they saw in there that the teacher threw out. They show great flexibility also, springing off the chairs, stages, risers, or classmates who chose that unfortunate time to take a little breather and sit on the steps. We give them an annual reminder to yell, “DUCK!“ before leaping, of course.

Track stars have a couple Olympic-friendly talents. One is they learn to tell time quickly and keep track of its elapse even more skillfully, and secondly they can clear any hurdle, beat any last minute direction and make it out of the room, down the hall and out the door before the last aural remnants of the dismissal bell are gone.

From the time they are little, until they are five years more than little, children leap up to touch overhangs, banners, doorstops, posted signs and doorways. By the time they reach 6^th grade, most can do it and were it not for our great custodial staff, we’d have the years of wall plaque to prove it. Adding recycling bins has been of real benefit to the basketball dream teams to be, as well. They now have three different heights and widths to aim for. If you are observant, you’ll see them start with scraps from their snacks or a party or something and develop year-by-year into paper tossers, unwanted art project projectors, corrected homework chuckers and eventually someone else’s P.E. shoe flingers. Nothin’ but net. U-S-A! U-S-A!

There is so much more to teaching than meets the eyes. We are providing opportunities for children to find the Olympian within and then nurturing it by ignoring the otherwise unacceptable behaviors. Now, if we could just make school “LZR” suits like the swim team got, we could do it even faster. So to the little Michael Phelps or Shawn Johnson kindergartners out there…

We’re ready for you.

This year I’m going to start tough. When the first graders come in, the welcome lesson I’ll teach is that I’m no sucker. I’ve noticed a pattern over the years, certain behaviors and statements kids make when they are trying to manipulate a situation. Jumping on it first will take the power away before they realize they might actually have some. Yes, this will be the year of total classroom control.

When we have our introductory class meeting I’ll look them all straight in the eyes and tell them to not bother attempting a third or fourth chance at something, that the cute little faces that melt hearts of parents and grandparents won’t work with me. I’ve been in this too long. Looking up with crossed hands and hopeful eyes won’t make me let them do something I already said they couldn’t, and the four slurred measures of pleaseeeeeeeee…is just a lame and pitiful response provoking no emotional response from me whatsoever.

It takes us teachers some time to believe it, but we eventually learn what conniving little creatures children can be; little Lucy Ricardos, thinking up ways to get out of, or included in something all the time.

This year it ends. This year I declare victory over my own domain. This year, I’ll beat them at their own game before it even begins. Year after year, as though passed along like tradition, children do it, and do it everywhere. They play the “cute card” and not only from the bottom of the deck, but from decks made up of nothing but cute cards.

A discussion that took place last year clinched it for me. Somehow these little politicians got into sharing looks and phrases they used on their parents to get what they wanted out of them. We went around the circle, displaying money-face after money-face, guaranteed by the user to deliver. Some held simple pushed out purse lips on a head looking down with eyes looking up. Some were drama laden drops to knees, folded hands outstretched toward the heartstrings of the victim-authority who if not careful will be giving in to this slick little actor, saying “Oh, alright! Go ahead.”

You can beat them at their own games, however. Give them a list of choices they don’t really want, but would do. Add to it some real undesirables. My choices for kids become: reading, writing a book, doing a science experiment, playing math games, playing a language arts game called Suffixes and Prefixes, looking in magazines for things that start with J, and doing math flash cards. The last three, I have found to be real enthusiasm killers.

They choose and happily run off to a book they want to read, begin working with a friend to write and illustrate a book, take off to do a science experiment and a few want to do math games. They never saw it coming. They don’t understand yet that trumping the cute card is, and always will be, every teacher‘s game breaker,

The “Child Psychology” card.

When you interview for the job, be sure you act humble. Don’t go into the interview thinking you already have the job. Bosses would rather see you holding back your confidence so you seem like you are what you ought to be which is whatever you think they want.

Be sure you stop at the playground to say hi to the kids before you appear for your interview unless, of course, someone is looking then they might think you’re just being a suck-up. As you squat down to talk to some little kid, make sure no one is watching except maybe one staff member who can run and tell the principal what a nice person you are.

Wear something that shows you actually love children like a tie or headband that has happy multi-cultured children’s faces on it or socks embroidered with, “I © Children. I Really, Really Do.” Don’t wear expensive clothes or make your hair look too good or you’ll be judged to be snobby; besides nobody trusts teachers who dress in gloatingly expensive clothing. How do they sit on the floor and finger-paint in a three-piece suit? People dressed too nicely are in danger of giving the impression that they have no intention of sponging paint off the hamster or crawling around to find the little ballerina that fell off the necklace the little girl who is crying in the arms of her friend brought to school against your sternest warnings. One more very important bit of advice: If you look over and see lint on your shoulder, don’t brush it off. That’s a rapper sign for something bad.

When you meet the interview committee, just shake their hands. Knocking nuckles and sticking your thumb up makes people uncomfortable and wary. Likewise,a handshake that continues around the thumb, over the hand, palm to palm until it finally concludes in a low, then high-five will just confuse people. A simple, not too limp not too cocky hand in hand greeting will work beautifully. Look humble but don’t be humble, but don’t be not humble too obviously. Suggest someone say the pledge of allegiance before starting the session and then with hand over heart look very, very serious as you stare in only one direction which is flag wise.

It would be great if people could see you ride away on a bike or in a Ford Escort. Although a Prius would make a nice impression, driving one of those may suggest you can actually afford one. If you walked, understand that someone has already taken note of your footwear. Avoid very high heels unless you’re applying for an administrator’s job. Something black or brown with a lot of rubber and pleather would bid a comfortable good-day.

If you take to heart these simple tips, you can rest assured that any job in America could maybe be yours.

Driving three blocks to work is hard to defend. Believe me, I’ve tried. I try to avoid arriving at the same time the bicyclists do but should that occur, I drag a big cardboard box from the back of the car, pretend it’s heavy and lug it to the door, making it seem like a legitimate waste of energy. When someone offers a helping hand, I admit to having arm flab that needs tightening making carrying heavy things desirable. “Want me to carry your bike inside?”

This summer, as I tugged the now karmatically dead lawn mower out, I was forced to actually touch my bike. How I used to love that thing. She’s a beauty, born in the 80s and from France, making it very cosmopolitan indeed. Nice gel seat, goofy little bell and toe clips for when I want to face-break the finish ribbon at the next charity event I ride for. I was sure Madame Sarkozy’s grandmother must have had one just like it.

Baby boomers need a transitional bike if we are really going to make this “cut gas use” thing work. We need seats made by Laz-y Boy, maybe with a back on them. Pedals don’t need to move in circular motion, do they? It would feel much more comfortable to have them just push down, like the motions of pushing in the brake, accelerator pedal or clutch. Helmets that look more like over-the-head-driver’s-seats would be nice. Maybe a little wiper across the front and map holders over each ear. The security one would feel could possibly make up for the undoubtedly ridiculous summative look.

Since the green grim reaper shopping bag arrived, I’m finding myself feeling guilty about everything environmental. It’s not consciousness, it’s good old fashion fight the feeling, dander getter upper, push my heels in guilt. It’s the first in the two stages of imposed change acceptance. Have patience for those who may take a little longer, who don’t even separate clothes colors before they wash much less differing kinds of plastics. Remember, green is not a primary color. Give the rest of us a little time; time to separate the blue of the past with the yellow of the future. We’re trying.

Rest easier, knowing that feeling guilty is the first step.

So for the last few days I’ve been reminded of how difficult it can be to be a student. I didn’t take a class, get private lessons or a tutor because I always figure, “How hard can it be?” All I wanted to do was put up a shower rod. I had all the tools a handy woman like me would ever need, including my alternative tool supply of butter knives, spatulas and a high heeled shoes. I’ve discovered these to be must-haves after a few decades of trying to complete one respectable DIY project.

I got one of those hotel shower rods that curves out so you think you’re in a huge shower “station” instead of just pirouetting in the tiny casket tub behind the plastic tropical fish curtain. The directions made it seem easy, and it was until I actually started the installation. While it may seem that screwing in two screws would be easy, try it in a wall made of pie crust with cement block behind it. I did learn something. First off, I learned that power drills are hard to hold in place when the screw is three inches long and wobbling around. (The gouge seems a bit better today but I’ll probably lose the fingernail.) I also learned that pounding in a screw, no matter how mad you are, does nothing but make a huge hole in plaster and then you have to pound in a plastic plug thing which goes in fine for about 1/8 “ and then it bends in the shape of a C. To pry that out requires a chisel that you have to buy at Home Depot on the ninth trip over there to either purchase or return something. The chisel gets the plug out, alright, but the way I did it left a new hole about two inches across with a tributary crack about twice that.

While engaged in this endeavor, I thought of how kids must feel when they just can’t catch on to something, if they weren‘t given the right tools or the tools don't work. Imagine not being able to vent in some primeval way when you just can’t seem to understand something everyone else does, no matter how many times you try. This experience was a good reminder and very humbling. It would behoove every parent to take a moment to think of their children when they are feeling overwhelmed, inadequate or just plain stupid.

A word to my students: Any time the work of school starts getting to you, makes you frustrated or angry and you feel like you are going to explode, just let me know. You can walk down the hall, open the doors to the big outside, step onto the playground where you can jump and scream until you feel better.

I will thoroughly understand.