Hey Mr. Paulson! I hear you are open to ideas as to how to address this sticky wicket that is the world economy. Here’s how we do it in our school districts. Feel free to borrow any of these as an answer to the question, “Where the #+!# are we going to get more money from?”
Schools generally have to start at fundraising. This creates a one-for-all mentality that can sometimes raise thousands of dollars. New playgrounds have been funded by the non-stop dedication of residents and organizers. This kind of effort is massive and calls for buy-in by a large block of the school and community. So, Mr. Paulson, you could make a big thermometer and stick in on Wall St. Try to get the populace to donate money for a bailout and use a red marker to color in the rising red line of goal achievement. What would entice us, though? Schools have found that candy bars have always been good sellers, but be sure to get healthy ones without nuts if you really want to move them. You can market them as energy bars. Stockbrokers and CEOs can go door to door with their blackberries to take orders. Yeah, we know. It’s hard work.
Well okay, try this. Start carving off the turkey. Cuts have to be made, we get that one too. Start with the non-people; start with things like paper, hardware, chairs, big display boards and bells. The next piece to be plated will have to be power usage. Get those coffee pots out of there, and keep the doors closed or open all the time depending on the ever-changing New York weather. No more AC either. It has really paid off in the elementary schools. Sure, it gets hot but little kids hardly even notice unless they have PE or recess outside in the bright sun on a heat grabbing blacktop playground. It’s only for six or seven hours. Also, hot buildings increase the number of early retirement requests by women over 50. Get rid of them and hire new ones at half the cost. Now that’s economics. You can also stretch the people you have by making them work two jobs instead of one, in the same amount of time they are used to working. Have some of the big mucky-mucks serve in two different places. They can work half the day at Goldman Sachs and half the day at AIG, for example. They can have little offices in each, but no refrigerator, Mr. Coffee or fans. That cuts out a whole salary! If you don’t think it’s possible, ask a public school music or art teacher. You could probably even talk someone into taking on three places. Spend every other day in each building. While it may be seen as token leadership, at least you can say it’s there.
The third and most controversial cut will have to be people. This is done by attrition, and over time. Someone retires or quits and no one is hired for replacement. Someone ends up doing two jobs instead of their already impossible one, but times are tough so we do what we have to do. Teach kindergarten music in the morning and social anthropology in the afternoon. Likewise, you could have employees work the stock market in the morning and oh…say custodian in the afternoon. You’ll be whacking away at that turkey carcass like a Benihana table chef! Along with the employee cuts, however, go the programs they were in charge of. Wow, it sucks to be us. However, things will improve, or as our standards lower, it will at least seem like they did.
Can I have a Warren Buffett bailout with a side of tax cuts, please?
