A Fine Line

When you interview for the job, be sure you act humble. Don’t go into the interview thinking you already have the job. Bosses would rather see you holding back your confidence so you seem like you are what you ought to be which is whatever you think they want.

Be sure you stop at the playground to say hi to the kids before you appear for your interview unless, of course, someone is looking then they might think you’re just being a suck-up. As you squat down to talk to some little kid, make sure no one is watching except maybe one staff member who can run and tell the principal what a nice person you are.

Wear something that shows you actually love children like a tie or headband that has happy multi-cultured children’s faces on it or socks embroidered with, “I © Children. I Really, Really Do.” Don’t wear expensive clothes or make your hair look too good or you’ll be judged to be snobby; besides nobody trusts teachers who dress in gloatingly expensive clothing. How do they sit on the floor and finger-paint in a three-piece suit? People dressed too nicely are in danger of giving the impression that they have no intention of sponging paint off the hamster or crawling around to find the little ballerina that fell off the necklace the little girl who is crying in the arms of her friend brought to school against your sternest warnings. One more very important bit of advice: If you look over and see lint on your shoulder, don’t brush it off. That’s a rapper sign for something bad.

When you meet the interview committee, just shake their hands. Knocking nuckles and sticking your thumb up makes people uncomfortable and wary. Likewise,a handshake that continues around the thumb, over the hand, palm to palm until it finally concludes in a low, then high-five will just confuse people. A simple, not too limp not too cocky hand in hand greeting will work beautifully. Look humble but don’t be humble, but don’t be not humble too obviously. Suggest someone say the pledge of allegiance before starting the session and then with hand over heart look very, very serious as you stare in only one direction which is flag wise.

It would be great if people could see you ride away on a bike or in a Ford Escort. Although a Prius would make a nice impression, driving one of those may suggest you can actually afford one. If you walked, understand that someone has already taken note of your footwear. Avoid very high heels unless you’re applying for an administrator’s job. Something black or brown with a lot of rubber and pleather would bid a comfortable good-day.

If you take to heart these simple tips, you can rest assured that any job in America could maybe be yours.

Driving three blocks to work is hard to defend. Believe me, I’ve tried. I try to avoid arriving at the same time the bicyclists do but should that occur, I drag a big cardboard box from the back of the car, pretend it’s heavy and lug it to the door, making it seem like a legitimate waste of energy. When someone offers a helping hand, I admit to having arm flab that needs tightening making carrying heavy things desirable. “Want me to carry your bike inside?”

This summer, as I tugged the now karmatically dead lawn mower out, I was forced to actually touch my bike. How I used to love that thing. She’s a beauty, born in the 80s and from France, making it very cosmopolitan indeed. Nice gel seat, goofy little bell and toe clips for when I want to face-break the finish ribbon at the next charity event I ride for. I was sure Madame Sarkozy’s grandmother must have had one just like it.

Baby boomers need a transitional bike if we are really going to make this “cut gas use” thing work. We need seats made by Laz-y Boy, maybe with a back on them. Pedals don’t need to move in circular motion, do they? It would feel much more comfortable to have them just push down, like the motions of pushing in the brake, accelerator pedal or clutch. Helmets that look more like over-the-head-driver’s-seats would be nice. Maybe a little wiper across the front and map holders over each ear. The security one would feel could possibly make up for the undoubtedly ridiculous summative look.

Since the green grim reaper shopping bag arrived, I’m finding myself feeling guilty about everything environmental. It’s not consciousness, it’s good old fashion fight the feeling, dander getter upper, push my heels in guilt. It’s the first in the two stages of imposed change acceptance. Have patience for those who may take a little longer, who don’t even separate clothes colors before they wash much less differing kinds of plastics. Remember, green is not a primary color. Give the rest of us a little time; time to separate the blue of the past with the yellow of the future. We’re trying.

Rest easier, knowing that feeling guilty is the first step.

So for the last few days I’ve been reminded of how difficult it can be to be a student. I didn’t take a class, get private lessons or a tutor because I always figure, “How hard can it be?” All I wanted to do was put up a shower rod. I had all the tools a handy woman like me would ever need, including my alternative tool supply of butter knives, spatulas and a high heeled shoes. I’ve discovered these to be must-haves after a few decades of trying to complete one respectable DIY project.

I got one of those hotel shower rods that curves out so you think you’re in a huge shower “station” instead of just pirouetting in the tiny casket tub behind the plastic tropical fish curtain. The directions made it seem easy, and it was until I actually started the installation. While it may seem that screwing in two screws would be easy, try it in a wall made of pie crust with cement block behind it. I did learn something. First off, I learned that power drills are hard to hold in place when the screw is three inches long and wobbling around. (The gouge seems a bit better today but I’ll probably lose the fingernail.) I also learned that pounding in a screw, no matter how mad you are, does nothing but make a huge hole in plaster and then you have to pound in a plastic plug thing which goes in fine for about 1/8 “ and then it bends in the shape of a C. To pry that out requires a chisel that you have to buy at Home Depot on the ninth trip over there to either purchase or return something. The chisel gets the plug out, alright, but the way I did it left a new hole about two inches across with a tributary crack about twice that.

While engaged in this endeavor, I thought of how kids must feel when they just can’t catch on to something, if they weren‘t given the right tools or the tools don't work. Imagine not being able to vent in some primeval way when you just can’t seem to understand something everyone else does, no matter how many times you try. This experience was a good reminder and very humbling. It would behoove every parent to take a moment to think of their children when they are feeling overwhelmed, inadequate or just plain stupid.

A word to my students: Any time the work of school starts getting to you, makes you frustrated or angry and you feel like you are going to explode, just let me know. You can walk down the hall, open the doors to the big outside, step onto the playground where you can jump and scream until you feel better.

I will thoroughly understand.

Money a little tight this summer? Have you bought in to the “Staycation” craze yet? In case you’re not familiar with the term, a staycation is a vacation without the transportation. Plane fares and schedules are unpredictable or expensive or both, gas is expensive, food is expensive, let’s just say it’s too expensive to take a break from the high cost of living.

You might hear people on TV or the radio talking about great ideas for substituting a home vacation for, say, a trip to Disneyland. Their recommendations are that the family all wears Mickey Mouse ears, polka dot dresses and black tuxes and exaggerate happy actions for the entire weekend. Make kids wait for a couple hours between rope barricades to jump in the blow-up pool as you yell, “Look out for the alligators!” in attempts to make it a thrill experience.

If the kids were looking forward to their first plane trip, no need to deny them the memorable parts. To simulate the seating, surround your child's middle seat chair with packing boxes. Put a huge stuffed gorilla or something on one of the boxes, so its arm, flubs over the armrest into your child's ribs. Make an aisle by moving all the furniture to form a skinny corridor that goes only to the bathroom in one direction, and a lounge chair you don't let them sit in, in the other. Pile magazines and books up to the ceiling in the bathroom so there is only room to stand in one 12"X12" spot.

Another idea I heard was as a result of a canceled trip to Hawaii. The mom bought a big box of leis off E-Bay, invited family and friends, stuck an apple in a thawed chicken cavity and called it a pig. They suggest following the same model for other locations, as well. Were you going to go to London? Serve every meal with warm tomato slices, removing the salmonella first, tea and toast on a toast rack and don’t forget adding “blimey” or “bloody” to statements throughout the day. Blimey is an expression that translates to “Oh, darn…” and bloody is an adjective as in, “The neighbors are playing ukulele, hula dancing, barbequing a bloody apple plugged chicken on a spit, pretending they’re in bloody Hawaii.”

Teachers have staycations all the time. We did it last year when the sun hadn’t shone for two weeks. We called it Sun Day and played music that mentioned the sun, drew suns, used yellow paper for everything, and wore sun themed or yellow clothing. It did cheer us up, but I think it was just the novelty of painting during language arts time. We used to have Green Bay staycations back in the day when Brett Favre was quarterback. We’d wear green and gold, put tape on the carpet to simulate yard lines, made a kid stand at each end with both bent arms up to be field goals, and had that day’s snack distributor yell out, “Get your snacks, here! Only no cents a bag!” and then she would toss a baggie full of pretzels at someone.

I’m glad to see people getting creative about time at home. This weekend I’m pretending to be on “Design Star” as I attempt to grout, tile, and paint my bathroom. When I’m finished I’ll have three neighbors come over and tell me what they liked and what I sort of screwed up on. They’ll tell me I’m safe this week, but will not have immunity for the next challenge. That makes me want to try all the harder when I move on to adding crown molding to the outside of the house.

There is still a lot of summer left, folks. Enjoy your vacations, staycations, Green Bay-cations, daycations, farm trip haycations, couch potato laycations, or just keep your nose to the grindstone and have what many of us will,

a naycation.

Thiensville, you should have met with even one teacher before your parade. Actually, anyone doing anything ever that involves kids should check with the masters. We’ll tell you what will and what won’t work. Loose candy? Doesn’t work. It’s like a homerun ball sent into the stands. Get ready for pushing, injury, aggression and someone’s eye being put out. No matter how much churching, lecturing or reminding... flying candy and a crowd of kids? Not gonna work. Kids are all alpha dogs when it comes to airborne free stuff. Not all, mind you…there are those kids who shrink off to the sides or cover their faces with blindfold hands in this kind of situation. What the chaos theory of doling does, unfortunately, is to reward the already pushy children or the kids whose parents egg them on to get some of the candy they weren’t able to catch when they were kids. It’s hard to watch yours get nothing when the little brat in front of you has three pieces already.

But, Port Washington? Way to go. You must have had good advisement. Parade participants there just walk up to the kids and hand out the candy. It’s clear; “See this candy? It’s yours, here take it. And you, running up from the back of the crowd with your right arm stuck out, waving your hand like the one who has the answer? Watch yourself so not get a piece.” Now that’s how to run candy distribution.

Something happens with children, even children who come from wealthy homes, when getting something is involved. Children who ride to school on motorized scooters with Corinthian leather pack packs are capable of acting like complete jerks when anything is given out. This is not just a food issue. You can be handing out anything and there are kids who have to get their paper first, the markers first, their favorite chairs in their favorite spots at their favorite tables. They want the first napkin at snack time and to be first in line no matter whom they have to negotiate with, intimidate or shove. Something happens whenever first is involved. We may have caused that by telling children when they misbehave to “Go to the end of the line!” This automatically makes the front desirable. I digress.

Here’s an idea. Forget the candy. Kids don’t need it. For many, that’s all too clear. If kids can’t be excited just by seeing a parade, you have to decrease the amount of good stuff they get at home. The big argument I get around this from my colleagues is that children look forward to the candy toss, it‘s fun and they enjoy it. The kids that catch something enjoy it. The ones that don’t just take that one-more-brick-of-reasons-to-be-bitter and add it to incident bullet vests to use at some later time--maybe when they are teachers, handing out candy.

Children can get excited by anything. You can have five purple napkins and the rest yellow. The five become the desired. With kids, whatever there is not enough of becomes the objet du désir, like single men to baby boomer women. Parades are fun for kids because they go with people they love to be with, see the streets emptied of cars and full of big color, sound, and something different. It‘s a break from normal.

Take it from teachers; it’s never about what can be caught in an open hand.

So we’re all going to get reusable grocery bags. That’s what I read, anyway. Every household will have the opportunity to feel good about packing the Styrofoam and molded super plastic that fits so tightly around the item, you need a tile saw to open it. If it helps any, I don’t need a new grocery bag. I have two that I continually leave at home full of something else I had to haul.

There’s also the advertising. If you really want people to use things, don’t put a bunch of ads on them. It makes people feel as though they’re being used, which of course we are but as one might argue, in exchange for the bag. How about the ads on the bottom, or the inside? Besides, people don’t go to places because they saw an ad on a bag or a shirt or a shoe or boxer waistbands. People shop at your places because they are handy, high quality and have what we need.

While I am guilty of plastic bag use, I do toss my garbage in them rather than buy a roll of Hefty bags to put the chicken scraps and moldy pasta salad in. My behavior no doubt would change if I had to pay an extra $.75 at the register to get a bag. I’d probably even remember to keep one in my car. Local vendors needn’t worry about losing our business with gas prices as high as they are we’re a captive clientele. It’s the perfect time to start our “green for green” campaign. Money for a bag. Easy.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the gesture and the cause it is directed toward. But, if there is money to spare after getting all of us a bag, I can tell you for a fact that the middle school could use some 21^st Century technology. $5000 would just about get a couple Smartboards. You don’t know what a Smartboard is? Most of your kids probably don’t know either.

My point, exactly.

You know it’s a good gig when someone retires then wants back in a few times. You won’t find that to be a trend in the teaching business. Generally, teachers who sit before the press and make their statements do so with a plane ticket in one hand and a martini in the other. They have agonized over the decision for months; do they sell the house and get an RV with a wet bar and hot tub, or keep the house and build that tatami mat meditation room with plenty of room for the chi to flow through? The same room that will have surround sound, a water feature, lucky bamboo and an indoor home theater built off to the side painted in colors called, Peace or Tranquility.

You could tell from the beginning of the second end of his career that Brett just wasn’t ready. He wasn’t the way all my retiring teacher friends have looked in the past. He was, well…crying. That’s no way to go out. You should go laughing out loud. Now granted, there are some teachers who have done a Favre retirement and gone a few years too early. They keep coming back. They are, for the most part, Hall of Fame teachers but will never be called by a sculptor for their head measurements. Then there are a couple who come back like mothers in law to see if the top of the doorways have been dusted.

All in all, most teachers who retire return only once, just so everyone can see how well rested they look and hear about all the cool stuff they’ve been doing. It’s nice to see them and reaffirm the sometimes hard to believe belief that there is more to life than pre-testing, zipping jackets and convincing kids that we really can see them picking their noses even if they try to hide it with the other hand. These folks are taking cooking classes, traveling, working on projects, volunteering, reading, sleeping, shopping during daylight and going to the dentist without having to take the day off.

So what I would say to Brett is maybe he needs to make his world a little bigger. There has to be more to life than hunting, golf, football and being a kazillionairre. Maybe he should take all that passion and energy and channel it into something new.

Hey, how ‘bout teaching?

Don’t you hate it when you’re sitting on a dais behind a microphone and you mention that you’d like to cut out some guy’s body parts and two hours later the whole cable-watching world hears you say it? Yeah, that’s a bummer. It was shocking. I can’t believe in 2008 that anyone in public life could be so careless as to think the mic in front of him wasn’t hot, video cameras weren’t running, cell photos weren’t clicking or text pads were not being played like Steinways at a Van Cliburn Competition.

What this, and other events like this, reveals is that in the end, we’re all just human. Let the news cycle of apologies begin. The real you dribbled out of your mouths and all over the images we’ve created of you. Now we know. You were too good to be true. Welcome to the real world.

Many things about teaching children in “real world” style confuse me. Which real world are we getting students ready for? The world that exists when the mic is on, or in the grit of the whispered truth? Do we get them ready for the world we want to think we live in, the world we want them to think we live in or some other place? When faced with this teach-for-the-real-world challenge, you think about it more than most.

Most real world stuff is learned by living. We can teach common language of math facts, making change, driving, writing and decoding the majority language but the fact is, there are many real worlds out there. The five-wives-families out west are clear on what the real world is and we just shake our heads and wonder why they can’t see that they have been duped. Why do we reincarnate flag draped Horatio Alger as we applaud the puller of the bootstraps, but seem to dismiss the fact that some jobs in America are understood as being just too hard, too physical, or not worthy of our undeniable coolness? Do we ready kids for a “if they hit you, hit them back“ world, or do we walk Oakland Avenue looking for a peer mediator with an open sign? What happened to the world in which we turn the other cheek? Isn’t that attainable if you try hard enough, or is it just like the nice, small world Disney has given us for just a few bucks a pop? Should kids be told that some day they, too, could be president of the United States standing tall on a platform of virtue with nothing but a flag pin and National Honor Society membership; or do we tell them the truth?

The real world stuff is more complicated than it sounds. Here’s to the teachers, spending many unpaid hours this summer preparing for a new school year. A year during which they will be out there every day juggling worlds, meeting deadlines, satisfying administrators, keeping records, assessing, reassessing, reporting in triplicate, teaching reading, writing, math, science, social studies, dental hygiene, character education, health, computer skills, problem solving, coping skills, fire safety, history, citizenship, penmanship, spelling, social skills, work skills, study skills, decision making, and communicating in the language of every family they serve…thinking somehow it is all possible. What makes good teachers so inspirational is even though they understand the real world, they keep trying anyway.

Ensuring that your child knows what to do during school recess periods can affect his peer group and social life more than you may know. Teaching simple rules and activities will make inclusion more likely, make your child more confident and guaranty you will have less free time than you thought you might this summer. Suck it up, put on your tennis shoes and get out in the yard.

1. Jump Rope: It’s not as easy as it seems. For children who haven’t been shown the ropes, it can be extremely frustrating to not know how to turn or jump the classroom rope. Although it sounds improbable, there are children who don’t get that they have to lift their feet up when the rope comes down in front of them. They just stand and let it smack their ankles. Back up a bit. Teach kids first how to hop. Second, work on reaction time. Try yelling, “Hop!” wait, “Hop!” wait, “Hop!” and see how long it takes for words to make it to feet. If it takes more than a second, it’s too early to add the rope. In that case, get some of those cds of children’s songs inviting kids to join along in the actions. When they get the concept of anticipation, bring out the clothesline again.

2. Another timing related activity is catching a ball. If you toss your child a ball and it bounces off his chest, it should be obvious he doesn’t get it. Show him how to physically get body and hands in front of the ball to at least make some contact. Start with a beach ball. Stand about four inches away and basically hand the ball to your child. Move back about three inches and do the same. Do this until your child is out of direct reach and you have to toss it. When there is a successful catch from ten feet away, move to phase two. Get a Styrofoam ball slightly smaller than the beach ball. Stick a really skinny dowel or pointer in it and hold that end. Create its path to your child’s waiting hands. Think back on the good old days when you flew that spoonful of olive green baby food into lips not sure they wanted to open. It will take time, but be lavish with the praise.

“Great! You’re facing the right way!”

“I love the way you are picking your hands up when the ball comes flying at you.”

“Fantastic, now uncover your eyes and see if you can do it again.”

3. Spend some time at the playground your child will actually be playing on in fall. Teach him or her how to climb, slide, hang and swing. Believe it or not, there are kids who will sit on the swing and just wait, dangle legged. You have to show her how to move her limbs to get it started. You have to make sure your child can begin independently. Also, she needs to know not to let go and do the dare devil fly forward into the dirt to end her ride. Slow down, get off, keep teachers uninvolved. Don’t teach her how to spin around really fast after twisting the chains, either. Can’t do that in school. It will put someone’s eye out.

4. Teach your child how to hang upside down from the lower bars. The girls, especially, seem to love this. They do this all the time. Have her approach the bar, pull herself up to a sitting position and then coach her as to how to drop down and hang from the crook of the knees. If she can spin around the bar while hanging from one knee and then end up in a sitting position, she’ll be a total star. Boys think this is sissy stuff and will voice it. Make them try it. It's hilarious.

5. The slide. Kids have to go up the ladders one at a time, hanging on to the rail with both hands. When at the top, no leaning over and screaming at friends. That scares the teachers. Just sit and go. Don’t stop to talk half way down, congregate at the top or remain at the bottom for more than just a second or they'll have footprints on their backs from the kid who came down right after them. Imagine there is always someone waiting.

6. Simple skills and rules for team sports. If you don’t know them, Google. If your child is a hot head (and you know it by now) encourage him not to play team games until he can handle people disagreeing with him or his side losing. Tell kids to establish or review the rules of the game before the actual game. Make sure they know people have different ways of playing, and that screaming in another person’s face isn’t a way to negotiate.

Maybe the Olympics will inspire enthusiasm for sports with something other than a football, a beer and a plate of nachos.

(Brett, if you’re reading this…please come back. It’s not too late.)

Here’s some stuff to practice with your kindergarten children to get them ready for the “big school”. Start now and maybe the transition will be easier for everyone. First of all, tell them not to worry about where they are supposed to line up on the first day. We'll find them. Believe me, we need every body for our 3^rd Friday student count upon which all federal funding depends. Have your child bring all supplies on the first day. That way, there will be no worries about what you need to send and if the teacher is going to remind your little sweetie yet again that the 20 sharpened pencils were due on day 1. Be sure a name is on everything that it's supposed to be on, like P.E. shoes.

Speaking of names, be sure your child knows his real name and how to say the first and last. The office list that teachers get has your child’s legal name so if you’ve called Jennifer, “Neffy” for her whole life, she may not know we’ve been yelling at her for the last three minutes. Knowing how to spell it would be helpful too, even if the writing part isn’t quite right. Teachers will thank you.

Oh, and self-dressing. It's a pain for teachers to have to tie shoes, button buttons, zip zippers, push on boots, pull on mittens and buckle snowpants. I figured it out once and with a class of 20, there are about 200 things children would have you do before they went out, if you let them get away with it. That's a lot to ask of a teacher. Imagine yourself at work. It’s the end of the day. Everyone lines up at the door but they are just standing there, looking down at open jacket zippers and Allen Edmond laces. You tell them to hurry up because you have a cocktail party to go to. You then realize that it’s on you to prepare them for the endlessly disappointing Wisconsin weather, so you start with the first in line and twenty minutes later bid the last a fond farewell. Every day.

The desire for girls to wear beautiful necklaces, hair adornments, bracelets and rings is understandable. We get it. However, they function as accessories only for a few minutes. Then they morph and become toys, lost, broken, fought over, tangled or taken away desk drawer items.

Children are often afraid of the lunch room. It’s big and noisy and full of unmet people. Here are some ideas you can give your child to use in potentially sticky situations. If some other kid asks for their dessert, tell them to say, “Sure, but I just sneezed on it.”  If a bathroom stop is necessary but the supervisors say no, tell your child to start jumping up and down with hands together down and in front of them as though they were trying to stop what is soon to happen. Repeating, "I really gotta go!" over and over will add the extra urgency to break through even the most veteran school personnell. We've all learned what happens when you insist a child can wait.

 Send a bag lunch for the first couple weeks. It’s much easier. Child goes in, sits down, eats, tosses the trash and leaves. That way they’ll have time to watch what to do when they eat hot lunch around October when you get sick of packing healthy good impression food lunches.

The bathrooms are crazy places. They are generally not in the direct purview of adults so can become a bit intimidating to the little ones. A trick older kids like to pull is to go in the stall, lock the door and then crawl under the door so when other kids come in they just stand there. It’s a hoot, apparently. Teach your child how to check for feet, and then if the situation is dire, how to crawl under the door and unlock it. Then tell ‘em to be sure to wash their hands and tell their friends to do the same. Thanks for that.

Washing hands. Children love the soap dispenser and love playing with the bubbly froth they can work up with half a cup of liquid gold on them. This extends the amount of time they spend in the bathroom quite considerably and may easily end with a teacher’s head breaking through the calm of the moment yelling something about looking for you for the last fifteen minutes. Oh, and if they ask to go to the bathroom when they don’t need to, teachers eventually recommend that parents have your bladder checked, so just go when necessary. Teachers know all the ways kids try to get out of doing work.

Hopefully, this first installment of advice won’t just make things worse. I also know enough to fully understand the Whackamo game land in which precocious children live. The time it took you to read this blog may actually have made the information in it obsolete.

I tried.